Like Father Like...

Our fella seems to be going in stages, one day he'll be as happy as larry, whoever he is and the next day he'll be grouchy all day long. Theres no accounting for it. Last night grouchy. The waves failed, the rocking failed, we failed. Eventually you just give in and go with it, what else can you do.

Was told this morning that I should not be emailing any friends during work hours at all. Restrict them to lunchtimes only. I give up, what am I supposed to do with my spare time at work. I only hope they dont know about this blog.

Have been told about something called Einstein for Babies, a DVD that helps them develop their minds. According to a friend it's like a hypnotic mix of animation and live footage, he swears by it. Plonks his daughter down in front of it and she's mesmorised.

He's also very keen on the routine. Waking his up at specified times for feeds, playing with her and then putting her down to sleep. He swears by this too.

All very well if your ordered people in the first place. We are doomed.

Spent day with in-laws. Beautiful sunny day. Being English we always harp on about the weather when we see some sunshine, but the barbecue was dusted off, we pushed him in his pram down the riverside walk. Had a cold beer and finally some champagne.

He kicked off late on but as we found out and everyone knows already, put him in your car and two minutes later he was gone.

It seems like I'm in lull from the high emotions of the labour and our first two weeks back at home. Long may it continue.

Denied having a beer after work on Friday as she had a really tough day with him. He wouldn't sleep all day. I got home and rocked him to sleep in five minutes. She claimed like the jar lids that she'd obviously loosened him up first.

Saw sisters new house, huge garden. My nephew just ran up and down it all the time we were there. They have way too much energy.

Spring has sprung, bodies lie strewn in the parks like fallen branches from winters decay. Fell asleep on a park bench.

Rang up and found her in the garden with him by her side soaking up the rays. So jealous.

Only an hour till the weekend, tick, tock, clock watching already.

Discovered that playing an old CD called 'By the Sea' bought after watching Il Postino in a fit of poetic rage puts him to sleep. Cranked up the volume and he was out like a light.

Hearing waves crash through our bedroom was a bit surreal but who cares when deep sleep curls above you and you ride into darkness. Bliss.

Woke up this morning to a terrible noise. Our alarm clock was bleeping away like an episode of The Osbournes. Its been two weeks since I last heard it's chimes and realise the significance. I have to go to work again.

As I left and pulled out the drive, she brought him to the door and made his arm wave at me. It was lovely to wave to my new family but depressing to watch them disappear in my rear view window.

Traffic terrible. Three crashes, get in an hour late. Welcome back. My lucks in though as all but three are out at meetings and i have as smooth a transition as possible from nappy changing to mouse moving.

Lots of presents litter my desk, even one from a client, who says all clients are bad. A play gym takes up most room and bottles of champagne and flowers add to the list. Its almost nice to be back.

Silence. I notice this the most. Now, my office has always been a quiet one, you can often hear the ants walking across the window sills but today it's so quiet and it takes me an age to understand why.

I begin to miss his cries.

Tears before bedtime.

Its strange how between emotions you can have a day off. Even a week. All was going as normal, well as normal as life has been since his arrival, crying, nappies, feeding, crying, sleep occasionally. He's developed a sneaky habit where he will fall asleep in your arms but as he feels you start to lower him into his crib one of his eyes opens fractionally and glares at you as if to say 'what do you think your doing?'. Rapidly he reappears back in your arms and the rocking continues. All our plans of making him adapt to us have long since been abandoned.

Dropped them both off at a coffee afternoon with new mothers. Met my Dad for a game of golf. Was this some semblance of my old normal life coming back? Alas it was just a mirage, a panicked phone call and she's not well. Deserting my clubs and Father to drive back like a bat out of hell - i did get my panicked drive home after all. Got home and she's doubled over with stomach cramps, he's crying his eyes out. What to do first?

Helped her to bed and gave painkillers, he was in my arms balling away, fortunatley found prepared bottle in the fridge, thank god that was back and working!

Glugging it down and silence again. Sat with her. Brought the labour crashing back to me all over again. I cant stand to see her in anymore pain, she's been through enough. Phone midwifes and tell them symptoms, given a list of things to keep an eye on but told not to worry, its normal for this sort of thing after a birth. Her uterus is contracting back to its old shape and she's experiencing the heaviest period of her life.

Can feel it all overwhelming me. Held him in my arms and felt myself cry.

Feel so much better.

Can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.

No sleep. Had to go shopping. Came back to hysterical wife. Hysterical in the fun, laughing sense. She's not done anything she wanted to since I left to go out two hours ago. He decided he'd do some projectile pooing. Yes you read right. I didn't think that was possible either till I saw our walls and her clothes. You have to laugh. Things just never are what you expect with babies, no matter how many people tell you, you will never know, till they are in your life. It hits like a runaway train and if your not careful you start to watch your life disappearing up the tracks forever. I've been told the trick is not look at it as your life disappearing but just as the new stage in your life. You can still do everything you want, but you have so much more to do now, not just bad stuff but good stuff too, you become a fuller person. I'm not sure if thats bullshit or not. At the moment, neither of us have any life at all individually, but we now have a massive life as a family. At the moment I could'nt see myself ever wanting anymore than that. I'll try and remember I said that, promise.

Took picture of him and made it into thank you cards for everyone. Grandparents kept crying each time they opened them. Was nice. My Mum's been bringing food round for past three days for us. Angel. Hopefully tomorrow our fridge will be back in action. I'm more desperate for a cold beer than I ever felt possible.

Too many visitors. Too tired to talk. All want a cup of tea. All come bearing gifts and love and want a hug. What do you do? Smile and make the tea and try and find a spot on the sofa in the corner. We wouldn't want it any other way.

Sleep. He decided he'd sleep for a four hour and five hour session. Feel so much more refreshed, actually felt the water from the shower hitting my body for the first time in days. Feedings so time consuming, takes hours, I feel for her, sitting there watching terrible TV as he nuzzles away at her. I just have to clean up and keep everything tidy and prep the bottle feeds.

Still no fridge so bottles get made and used straight away, now thats a pain, especially when his sheep call of desperation shakes through the walls. I hope our neighbour is a heavy sleeper.

No sleep. Overwhelming tiredness can take all the fun out of it. Realised I still haven't told some people he was born yet. Just haven't had any time at all.

Engineer comes in afternoon. Has to order a part that wont be in till Monday. No fridge till Monday. Bad to worse and nowhere inbetween.

No sleep. Ours is a two hourer.

D-Day. Coming home. Alls well at hospital and we leave at 1pm. Come home. I now have my mother-in-law story. For some reason unknown to me or anyone of sane mind, she's decided to defrost our fridge for us. Now admittedly she was doing it so she could fit a chicken she had bought us into the freezer compartment. So her heart was in the right place. We come in and sit him down in his car seat in the middle of our lounge and just stare at him for ages. She comes in and starts hacking away with an ice pick and spray at our freezer. Two hours later, he's still asleep, I hope this is a good sign. She's finished and indeed our freezer has no ice inside. Good job. Or not. The power is turned back on and an alarm starts to pitch its way into our lives. At first it sounded like a dog that had been run over but soon it turned into a nest of angry blackbirds.

7hrs later and the fridge is lost. The food is shipped off to various grandparents houses and its turned off for the last time. No one could bodge fix it so someone will have to be called in the morning. So now we have no fridge.

I love her to bits and I know her heart was in the right place but I just never envisaged my first day home with my son would always be remembered for a chirping bloody fridge.

Both happier today. He's feeding, shes sleeping. All is well in the world. Thought about coming home but breast feeding is still not perfectly smooth. Decide its better to stay one more night for recovery and practise.

Running late, get in to find her upset, he's upset and is thrust into my arms. 'Hes been like this all night'. With my collective experience of getting babies to sleep adding up to a magnificent day and half I tackled the problem head on and failed. His screams were awful, at the end they petered into a repetitive sheep like bahing. It was heart breaking.

Breasts appeared, he was nuzzled and silence. 10mins and bang he was off again. All day this went on for till finally we gave up and topped him up with formula. Poor guy guzzled it down, he was famished.

Why dont breasts have a ml display on the side or transluency, theres just now way of knowing how much a baby's had.

Phil Mickleson won the Masters, final putt, final green. Already I'm dreaming of fairytale sports stuff for my boy, must get a grip on myself.

Ferrying trips to and from hospital, she's expected to stay in till Tuesday now at least. Turn up at nine in the morning, watch him sleep all morning, watch her sleep all morning. Go home for lunch at 1pm.

Come back at 3pm, with all the visitors. Dont get a look in. 5pm we get an hour to spend with him on our own, he's asleep. 7pm more visitors, no room for any more flowers, cards are piling up. Woman across the ward is getting upset as she's already been in three days and hasn't had a card. Feel mildly guilty.

8pm the three of us again, he's in my arms. Waited all day for this. He looks at me, though I'm told they cant see you at all, but hell I felt connected. Drive home at 9pm, exhausted. Try to watch the Masters Golf, fall asleep.

6am, waited all night, had to go for a walk to stay awake, layed on tile floor just to rest my legs. But the waitings over. She's finally ready. A chorus of PUSH bounds into the hallwall from our room. 7am still pushing. 8am still pushing. 9am still pushing. 10am doctor called. Bad news. New midwife appears our sixth and definately last.

They say a c-section. She doesnt think its that bad at all, just wants baby out as soon as possible. She looks into my eyes and pleads 'help me' it is the most helpless moment of my life, all i could do was look back into hers and say helps coming, helps coming.

Kitted out in doctors clothes, hat and size 6 clogs - i take a ten. Hobbled to theatre.
10.40am Sat with her and after all sorts of contraptions beeped up and down, hooked in and out, they started the op.

10.48am

Cries fill the room, I look up to be greeted by the completion of my journals title.

Like Father Like Son.

And the very first moment when that saying rang true was when I shed a tear of happiness and relief whilst he cried his heart out in the room.

Elated. Alls well - Relief.

What on earth do I do now?

Writing this in retrospect I could expand greatly on my short notes but I'm not going to. I feel it should not be edited and just be the moments thoughts. You'll have to excuse the punctuation.

5am she's in labour. 1pm she's still in labour but in labour ward now so has gas and air. Long swigs of gas seem to work, pain seems unbearable already. Her face is different to how I've ever seen before. Her eyes roll back in her head with every wave, its scary. We are both exhausted already. Told inducement has made contractions twice as bad, poor thing. Her grip is like a vice and yet I feel nothing of her pain myself, my hands are numb. 4pm the pain is beyond her control, we are offered the pool and gratefully accept. She staggers inside and bobs on the surface, it works. The gas and air still working but her pleas are getting more desperate now. How hard it is to encourage when all you can see is her pain, how do you encourage someone to embrace the pain. The answer? I still dont know. Apparently I did, as she continued ever onwards.

Light at the end of the tunnel, literally. Push, push, push. Nothing. Checked. Don't push anymore. Wait. Once pushings started how hard it is to stop. How did she do it. I dont know but she stopped. Pain relief, finally. Been so long epidural was our only choice.

Different person greets me. Waves wash over her now and she doesnt feel a single one. We sit and chat, tired yes but talk and smile and eat. Surreal. Now the waiting really begins. Its 8pm and we have already been through five midwives, hopefully our last one enters the fray. Waiting again, must not push. Still not fully dilated. Jeez.

Firstly I should apologise for not writing for over a week. All the best laid plans go out the window when you have a child. But I have kept a note of each days events albeit slightly abreviated, the events that brought our first born child into our lives, so back tracking to Wednesday last week when it all began.

Its late. One of the longest days of my life. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Nothing. Still at home. A normal day if you are lucky enough to have a day off work at home. Today was anything but normal. Long phone conversations of good lucks and well wishes spilt the day. Will it be tomorrow?

Arrive at hospital at 7.30pm and get our bed. 8.30pm and actually get seen, inducement gel administered, painful. Nothing. Sit listening to other women panting through closed curtains, sounds too personal to concentrate on. Slight murmerings, excitement. Dashed by midwife, this always happens. Sent home at 10.30pm.

Lights out, kisses goodbye. Spend next 30minutes wandering corridors to find late night exit, the signage is awful, almost glad we are in and not roaming the corridors in labour. Seen the entire hospital now. Ended up in doctors entrance of A&E, had to sneak through avoiding any patient eyes hoping I was bringing pain relief, a lot of moaning in here too, but for very different reasons.

11.45pm sit at home alone. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. Nothing. Three phones line my bedside table, landline, two mobiles. Up early must sleep. Nothing. Every creak of cold hardening floorboards wakes me, three hours sleep at most.

Alarm at six, shower, breakfast. Look at my clothes wonder what i should wear to see my baby for the first time, casual, smart, stupid stuff. Feel the same edginess inside that flying usualy brings me. Get in the car, look in the mirror, look terrible, is today the day?

Last day at work. Concentration vanished, enthusiasm for work vanished (if it ever existed), everyone here vanished. I now know what tunnel vision feels like, most likely the office thinks I'm just being quiet but I cant even focus beyond tomorrow to talk about the big football match tonight, Chelsea v Arsenal in case your wondering.

Boss A is still attempting to guess possible baby names, hoping that she will stumble upon our chosen name and in the future claim she gave us the initial idea, fortunately she's never even got close but as its my last day i know I'm going to be barraged with names all day long. Boss B is indifferent to the whole thing and only wonders how long I can take off and whether it'll affect the workflow. Two rays of light are as excited as me which makes the process of waiting just that bit more bearable.

For the last month my dad has been telling us the baby will come tomorrow, for some reason he is desperate to have 'known' when his grandchild will appear. Awaiting final phonecall tonight for confirmation of tomorrow arrival and secretly glad he's so excited by it all. Hope he's right this time.

Will be Induced at 7.30pm Wednesday, unless baby finally gets the hint and listens to our whispers of 'head for the light'.

They say that having a child brings new meaning to your life. I am two days, maybe two hours away, who knows, from finding out. Already overdue our first child still lies within the safe confines of Mother.

Unknown to him/her (as we want the surprise) the wheels have begun turning and help, needed or not is already on the way. Not even born yet and experiencing intervention in their life already, not sure how I should feel about that.

I'm still at work looking at my phone all day long wondering if the bizarrely chosen Muppets chime will announce impending arrival and I'll have the nerve racked hour of traffic dodging to bluff my way through. Just one day left at work though, knowing as I do an inducement date makes leaving work that much easier, at least for my boss anyway, though secretly I will miss the chance of bursting out of a tedious meeting screaming 'gotta go, my wife's in labour'. Its the ultimate excuse and I might not get to use it.

The point of this blog? As a Father to be I decided I would do three things. One was to create a book of photographs of the whole family line that our child was about to become a part of - a series of personal portraits reflecting the traits of the individual that they could look at in years to come and know where they belong. The second was to write a journal of my experiences as a Father and finally the third was to write a childrens novel dedicated to them.

I'm trying not to view them as lofty goals for bringing new meaning to my life just as a means to communicate my happiness at the prospect of Fatherhood, with that in mind this blog will aim to keep you updated on all the trials and joys of becoming a new Father.